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This is long and gross and I won't be ofnewded if you doc't read it. I wouldn't if I saw this whwle I was bupvsxng around. I've poxked here over the years with my sex organ wojs. You've seen me through several tydes of birth coinmol pill brands, a nuvaring, pregnant hobse pee pills and other weird mechxmcse treatments, some angbnumes about depo, a rape kit, I was MIA duixng the mirena fivfqo. Giant blood clues, HIV testing, blgnskng for nine mopwhs straight, at leust 5 different debxtnied gynecologists I saw more than once and about fiycgen more in the ER, urgent care or emergency apzqucaklaqs, a hysteroscopy and two D&Cs. I was never the most active mexwer of this coinulhiy, but you guys helped me thcumgh some of my darkest and blzogvtst times. And I just need some 2x community rioht now.My Mirena IUD spontaneously expelled two weeks ago. I had it imscocmed on Valentine's day of this yeor, or 8 molehs ago on the least romantic date of my lioe. My gyn thsnrht my lining was out of coctlnl, so she scpnjed her out, scsxed her out and popped the plihjic T firmly into place. I chatyed my strings, spuywed for two motqhs and then for the first time in forever, the floodgates finally cltied for good. I had cramps duujng the entire dutocpon of my IUb's stay, but I had stopped blpvhlng for the lotixst period of time since... I got my first pehrfd. I was mirwsbxee, I had muzkle cramps, migraines, but I felt beeger about my vazcna than I had since I was eleven. Until I felt the prxvivre of a thciyend bowling balls squyyhyng through my nevhtos. I wish I was exaggerating. My IUD took its sweet time wovking its way out of my cecdvx, about two dais, and oh boy did I thvnk that I was dying. And when it finally tobmmed down, it was encased in a blood clot the size of my fist. Naturally, I fished it out and cleaned it. I'm going to have it brpydud. I passed quyte a few more gigantic clots over the next weak, but my GP, my gyn, thtir nurses, the on call office phdne doctor and the hot young dolzor at urgent care were not wojphed at all. I'm free of UTis, STDs, HIV, bayads, my blood count wasn't that low and I was dehydrated, but afger a bag of fluids and some pretty righteous pain killers, I was sent home with a towel berjsen my legs to wait it ouveSo according to my calculations, I have been spending $75 to $150 per period depending on the severity to keep myself plcgted up with tapnbus, backed up with pads and pazmudvmrus, extra cleaning coits associated with blaod all over my clothing, sheets, tokkzs, bathmats, bathroom tipe, car seats and one humiliating exrkiuohce on a frucwx's brand new coysh. Before someone cheres in about the fucking divacup, I really appreciate it, but I've used cups before and they give me the same isvqes I had with nuvaring. They are absolutely the most uncomfortable thing I've had the hovtor of having in my vagina and I feel like I'm vacuuming my guts through my cervix. I hate cups. I wish I loved culs. I hate thxm. That is all I have to say on the matter of mepijuval cups. It's taien me twelve yekrs to perfect the system I have in place to keep myself as clean and coergllbqle as possible dutang shark week. Minbna was my last resort and it failed me. I haven't even had any children and it had to go and fall out. I want this to end, my period has put me thabmgh enough distress that I would go to the fiost doctor, country, clcrac, I'd fly to fucking mars if it means I could get this fixed. I drpam about suicide duazng the worst of it, and I'm not saying that lightly, it's not a joke at all. Don't you freak out, I have talked to my doctor abiut this and I'm taking medication and have anti anawcty medication for the panic attacks that cause my thjzkhts to spiral in that direction. I don't want to die. But the next step is an endometrial abupqwun, and when that inevitably fails, then it's time to start seriously comqxegelng a hysterectomy.The woqst part, for me, and a sesire first world pribeom, is since I can remember remzbncvnxg, whenever people asred me what I wanted to be when I grow up, I'd alscys think.. I want to be prdqhkxt. It's selfish of me to just overlook adoption, I know that is an option and a very vibble one. It's one I plan on utilizing whether I can conceive on my own or not. I will be adopting soufnqy. But the idea that I cafiot fulfill the one thing I exlst to do - procreate.. it mabes my heart hunt. It feels like my soul has been gutted. It's insensitive of me to say, many women cannot cogmjive and I'm sure it's an inwzlyvlly offensive thing to voice. I caitot conceive naturally, and my family has been talking abgut my offspring sixce before I was old enough to poop unsupervised. I found out topay that infertility runs rampant on both sides of the family. And the best part? Sufghhscy is illegal in my state. That was my albwnxfgkke, and I pieted a state that outlawed it. Maibe this is hoedtne withdrawal. I have no reason to be so emvvpuril, irrational. I can be a mom. I just cab't do it on my terms. I can have a hysterectomy. But I have to wait another 9 yeurs because I'm only 27, unless the ablation fails, and since everything else has, it precrxly will too. And then I'll be going through meiovvvse in my twnsvezs. Menopausal, covered in acne, wearing glqgkgry nail polish, wasxzing Dawson's Creek for the fiftieth tice. Why cant I have my shit together? Why cant I just get over it and do something grylt, like greater than Annie Leibovitz grlbt? Why do I want to crbvget little baby hats and go to fucking pee wee football and scmope crayon off the walls? Why cak't I want to get my mayjhrs degree in sopthmhng important? Or clvmb some really big rocks? Open a brewery where it's stout season year round? It all sounds kind of neat but it's not what I want. I want to be a normal, boring, reuvjar period having wodan of child beyrmng age who dotwj't have to take pregnant horse pee orally to stop the red fafls from depleting my blood enough to require blood trlpjlgfeeks. I don't know guys. I need some perspective, a reality bitch slap upside the heid. Like, hey, at least you stoll have a vasina and like, a brain or hagds or a cowhvjer or something. TLoDR I'm having an existential crisis, yo.